Why Aren't You Married Yet?
The subtle sabotage of a seemingly harmless, curious question
To those of us who are STILL single, this seemingly harmless inquiry sounds more like an interrogation and can cause one to feel the need for evacuation than continue such a conversation. It can also sound more like a curse, than a curious question.
After all, when you’re the recipient of such a request for such intimate information, you’ve most likely already got (and buried) several answers as to why your heart—though not necessarily broken—do not feel whole, or truly happy.
And while you’re not meant to be alone, even though you can (or have already) certainly adapt and adopt a lifestyle of solidarity and soldier on in your solitude, it can still sting when someone (innocently or not) points out your lack of marital union in your life.
When they do realize they may have crossed a line, or hit an emotional tripwire tied to an arsenal of sorrow, guilt, shame and any other sensitive ordnance ordained to obliterate anyone who dares misjudge or begrudge your singlehood status, they’ll apologize and try to ease your pain.
They may try to assuage the situation by saying,
“How could someone like you still be single?” or “Keep looking, someone better will come along.” Or they’ll say one of the worst ones, often used to “encourage” your heart, but backfires beautifully, “Better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn’t love you.”
Neither of these has ever provided me much comfort, how about you? But, that’s all right, they’re just the messenger (and perhaps a mirror) who means well, but isn’t sure how to console your lonely soul.
May I suggest that in these moments, we don’t need counseling, but consoling. We don’t need questions, conversation, or the added responsibility of us having to reach out and let that person know specifically when and how they can help.
Sometimes we just need to know we’re not alone. Often, this can be the best way to help someone who is lonely. You don’t have to fix their problems, just be there to listen, laugh, or linger.
And yes, there are those who do want to counsel more than console. They’re so-called well-meaning advice makes you feel like you’re not good enough to be married, like something is wrong with you. That your life and heart are too marred and scarred to be able to have and to hold and to have someone want to have and hold you back, no matter what.
Oh, so you have to be perfect and have everything in your life going smoothly and stable before you’re worthy of being loved, let alone capable of getting and staying married? How is anyone ever going to get married with that rotten rhetoric?
They don’t understand the searing pain of longing and loss you feel everyday when you see others who are experiencing a thousand ways the kind of love, unity and family that you long for and even feel like it will never happen for you.
Sure, it’s easy for others to misjudge or think the reason you’re single is because of some sort of treason. Sometimes for a myriad of reasons it’s not your season. But don’t let anyone make you feel like you’ve missed your moment!
And whether it’s your season or not, you’ve still got to make sure you’re doing your best to help your cause. Marriage, like life, isn’t about perfection. It’s about desire and direction. And while you just haven’t found the right one YET, or you did, but lost them, don’t give up!
Don’t give up on finding the right person, but don’t give up on becoming the right person, either!
No matter what age, wage or stage you are at in your life, you are deserving of, worthy of, and in need of receiving, giving, and sharing love right now.